Expelling the Venom of the Summer Solstice

OH boy! Where do I begin? I was going to post about something else but I've had a doozy of a day and as it happens I need to write about it.

This is the longest day of the year. It feels like the longest week of the year!! Has anyone else been feeling tired this week? I know you have Annie. Well, I have been drained of most of my energy and it has taken all my efforts to stay on track and stay positive.

I have to admit that when I get stressed out, I get angry. When I have no time for myself, I get angry. When I feel like I'm sacrificing a lot for others and not getting anything in return, I get angry. When I'm feeling great even, and the people in my life are full of complaints and negative energy and are not even a little bit thankful for what they have...you guessed it...I get angry.

There are a few main stressors in my life. One is my partner, who is in constant pain from debilitating fibromyalgia and anxiety. I love him, adore his work ethic, good natured way and his huge heart but some days I'm drained from his energy.

Two is my daughter, who is 4, and is full of energy, curiousity, and has an insatiable appetite. This leads to many 1/2 eaten snacks and more dishes in the sink. She is full of imagination and creativity and I love her to pieces but she doesn't obey my orders lately and it's becoming dangerous. She will run across the street, hurt her younger sister, climb up on the counter all while ignoring my screams to stop. I'm in a constant state of fear that she's going to injury herself or someone else. This stresses me out. Also she has stopped going to sleep at her bedtime, insisting that I stay with her until she falls asleep. This sometimes takes hours! Then I start feeling a slew of feelings about not having anytime left for me in the night, neglecting my self and my studies and so on. This makes me angry.

Three...actually I can't think of another one right now...

So anyway, my day was a constant battle with her. I didn't even have the presence of mind to be able to do my 5 minute energy routine. Everything was building into a chaotic frenzy. By the time bedtime rolled around, I was mentally exhausted and she was tired and unpredictable. I thought she was going to go off to sleep but she kicked up a stink and ended up waking her sister. Now I have two crying children and my head is about to pop.

 I must say that since I started energy medicine and EFT I have been more patient than I ever have been but tonight was one for the record books. Now matter how hard I tried to bring myself back to a place of peace, the anger was there, right below the surface.

So I took the little one and rocked her while she was waiting. It just wasn't working, she was making too much noise and keeping the baby awake. Finally in her crib, the baby was asleep. I lay down with her and went through the routine of scratching her back, rubbing her belly and stroking her hair. I thought she was asleep when I left the room and then I hear wailing coming from the bedroom. She wasn't asleep and the baby is awake again. I threw her back into bed and yelled at her. I scared her half to death and I've been in tears ever since.

I have some horrible guilt that she is going to grow up and repeat my actions. The first 6 years are the years that shape who we become and I'm scared that I've ruined her.
This is not the first time I've exploded at the kids or Ryan but it has been a long, long time. I thought I was done with this behavior.

So I did some EEM exercises once I composed myself but the damage is already done. My question is how do you recognize that the anger is there and do the exercises BEFORE it comes out? I didn't even realize I was feeling this way until I was blowing a gasket!

I'm going to go now and do some EFT to try and forgive myself for being such a crazy mom.

Peace and love

Cara